hello world. i have to be honest i am high and also going through weird mood shifts at the moment. i was in the "super happy inspired" mood but as rapidly it comes, it leaves just as fast. i dont really remember the other things ive said in here recently. i think i was complaining about work and evan. work this week HAS been hell but it could have been a LOT worse. people just werent coming into work. there was a chef that is usually on dayshift that was working evenings two times this week. its really hard to tell if he hates me or not. i dont give him any reason to dislike me at all. im very nervously nice to everyone i talk to. its like my default. he was actually yelling at the top of his lungs for me to come back over and over again as i was trying to clock out. everything was done and there was another person there other than me and him so idk why he wanted me specifically. anyway he wanted me to write the date on something. i was in a drained tired state after serving a ton of people so i couldnt think of what the date was and asked him what day it is today. he was like 'the date? youre asking me the date? are you serious? okay (name), what was yesterday? think about it!' i said the fourth and he was like 'okay so then think about it. whats today? the 6th?' and i was like the 5th. idk man. he was saying it in like a super annoyed condescending way. i kept asking them both if there was anything else to do and if we're good. they werent really listening to me so i just left. i did all of my jobs correctly so whatever. i realized on the drive home yesterday though that i wrote the date wrong. i wrote 6/4 instead of 7/4. i forgot how fast the months were going by. really stupid of me but whatever. he couldve just written the date himself instead of yelling at me to come back and do it for him. oh well.
ive been looking into mental hospitals again. i think i really need to go but im scared of how expensive itll be. it would be nice to get away to somewhere where im not supposed to worry about the expectations of the world. im sorry for how messy this entry is. each day i want to run away and become a new person. shed the skin of my shame. become a pure being again. all i can do is try my best but it feels like im just barely treading water. i really need an escape to somewhere. sometimes it gets really hard to figure out who i am or whats even real anymore. i want to take a train and just wear a beautiful outfit. take beautiful pictures. become a face that someone will remember. someone they admire for a few seconds as we pass each other. what is my destiny? hahahh.. how cool would it be to be a beautiful fun girl that disappears one day? be a memory that holds a group of friends together. one day they decide to all meet up and hang out again and ask each other if they remember me. maybe they can summon me into their dreams and our adventures last for eternity. is that who i am?
ive started posting on a random tiktok account. its kind of embarrassing but its freeing to just post things on a secret account for whoever comes across it. maybe someday youll randomly find it. eheheh :3 .. ive noticed that whenver i draw hearts while doing my makeup before work, people are a lot nicer to me! these guys at work like me and one makes it VERY obvious. he will message me trying to spit some game and i just ignore it. sorry about that. you seem like a nice person but there is no point in having others in my life. partly because i want to kill myself, partly because of what evan did, partly because i am dating landon, partly because im just not the right person for anyone to be with especially with my mental state. im very secretive and distant but at the same time im very nice and friendly. maybe im not. who really knows.
wigs are a lot of fun. i like dressing up and becoming whoever i want to be. i realllyyyyy want to go to raves and stuff. just by myself to blend into the atmosphere around me. ive been living inside my dreams again. the world is kind to me when im sleeping. im surrounded by friends and i always know exactly what im meant to do. i feel as though im in control. waking up is horrible. the days are the same thing over and over again. this old lady at work told me about how she wants to just go back to the nuns. i told her that sometimes i find myself wanting to run away and join them as well. she told me that im too pretty to spend my time being a nun. she was very kind to me the whole day. its so hard to know what to do. im a child in an adults body. let the waves wash me out to sea.
chase me chase me chase me chase me understand me understand me please understand me
