i dont know what to do
im so tired with working as a server. especially at a retirement home. i have a day next week where its just me and no dishwasher. im expected to serve 70 people AND wash dishes from all over the building in one hour. i cant do it. people just dont show up so we're understaffed. the lady who runs the place told me how its in my job description to assist with tasks as needed and that as long as we have one worker we arent understaffed. its so draining. i go to work just to get yelled at by old people and rushed around. i cant do it. i hate working there. i hate dealing with people in general. i cant keep doing it.
i want to just run away to somewhere new and work at a quiet place in the middle of nowhere. maybe a random small bookstore or something in oregon. i dont even know anymore. i just hate all of these expectations that i cant live up to. it would be great to just suddenly end up somewhere new. my head hurts so bad from stress today. its 12:40pm right now. i have to start getting ready at 1. theres a lot of times where i want to just kill myself to get it over with. the trauma from last year still haunts me. it feels like thats the only way to make it stop. maybe ill just become a nun somewhere. just be a whole different person. i dont know who i am to begin with.
dealing with old people yelling at me at work is kind of torture. i understand how they dont want to be there but im just a server being told things last second. im sorry. a lot of things are not my fault. please stop yelling at me. i have enough to deal with. maybe ill just check myself into a mental hospital. i wish. i just want to figure myself out and be free. it feels like my life is over yet at the same time just now starting.
evans birthday was a few days ago. it makes me sick. i need to go to a mental hospital. a good one. one where it isnt scary inside and i get to focus on feeling better. it was a year ago yesterday that evan raped me. i still feel bad for thinking of it that way but i dont even know why. i guess i feel bad because he probably doesnt think anything of it. its stupid of me to worry about what he feels. he never worried about how i felt. he is a horrible person and did a lot of horrible things. gisele meko and pix all play with him again. i wish they took me seriously when i told her about him. i dont know how she can get proof and then say its just a mistunderstanding. it makes me so sick. everyone makes me so sick in this world.
where should i end up next