hellooo! ^_^
im not quite sure how to begin. about three days ago my favorite cousin randomly texted me! we havent talked in a long time. we would usually hang out at my nanas house during holidays when theyd visit but my nana died a few years ago so we dont have a way to hang out anymore. him and his brother are like siblings to me because of how much time we would spend together as kids. anyway he said that hes along in japan right now and that he just spends his days hiking mountains, smoking cigs with some french dude, playing basketball and being a part time pizza delivery guy. which actually sounds super duper cool. he asked me how im doing and what i look like these days and how i felt about some things that happened in the family and asked me for advice and all that. i honestly love answering questions so it was a lot of fun. he said i could ask anything back as well but i got a little nervous so i didnt end up asking anything.
i was so happy about talking to him that absolutely nothing could bring me down. my day at work after that was such a breeze. it was a wonderful day. i was so so happy. my days at work recently have been really good!! i guess talking to my cousin just made me super happy and powered through any anxiety i had about anything. im a server but at a retirement home and the old people are suuuuper off and on. you have to do your very best and be as fast as you can be. although i cant be fast since i have to wait in a line behind a bunch of other people to get their food. i always feel bad but its not my fault and i cant really do anything about it at all. but my work week was good! it was very fast and everyone was kind to me! my friend i made at work and i exchanged numbers and instagrams :). ive ordered a few things for my room too like a new mirror which is really nice! its a very big mirror! i got a pink fan as well but i havent tried it out yet. its still in the box.
i remember yesterday wasnt the best day for me. actually maybe it was the day before? whenever im on a surge of happiness it balances itself out and ill randomly get a surge of sadness. but its okay! i remained strong and true to the best of my ability! everyone please tell me good job! whenever i have dreams about evan (which is quite often actually) its always me trying to warn gisele throughout the entire dream. hmmm. .. guys dont tell anyone okay? but ive noticed that evan hasnt been playing with them anymore. i guess they could still be on marvel rivals but on every other game they play without evan. well i guess evan only plays with meko and or by himself. gisele and pix played roblox without evan which i think is pretty strange.. he hasnt been on any other game besides league and gisele doesnt play with him on that anymore. maybe she started to realize that i was right about him. im hoping thats the case. its wrong of me to say but i hope that any of them either date evan or they drop him. i dont want them to just remain friends. thats the worst option. he will take advantage of them for years just like how he did with everyone else. i want them to just escape him or to get the bad part over with so they can get him out of their lives. they all seem younger than us in my opinion. im thinking maybe 18? im 23 btw. but i dont want their first lesson in life to be a traumatizing experience with that man. im hoping they can be free from him. i know nothing will stop him.
he makes me sick.
i posted a nice photo of myself on instagram today :) i know he keeps his tabs on me so hopefully he sees it. i hope he realizes that he messed up. that hes a horrible man. that he did horrible things. that my beauty will haunt him to the end of his days. i want him to be alone. i want him to be wishing for me back. wishing that he was a different man on the inside. nothing will ever change. its a horrifying yet wonderful thing. i know all the steps he will take with others. soon enough he will make too many mistakes and hopefully be punished for once. all we can do is dream.
ive mentioned on twitter that i have a website ive been using as a diary. i left one single hint to it in one of my posts. "the boundless sea of fate" .. i wonder if anyone will get it. its kind of funny how strange my mind works. i want to be seen and heard so badly. i want nothing more than to be understood. at the same time im too scared of people seeing my thoughts. i dont want the world to think im vunerable and possibly doing things for attention. im scared of things being used against me. evan did it better than anyone. i dont think ill get better anytime soon with that. ah. i keep getting off topic. im sorry i talk about evan so much. he did a lot of bad things and its been a very long and hard healing proccess. back to what i was saying. someone on twitter keeps randomly messaging me asking for more hints about my website. i keep saying no more hints!! its secret for a reason! if you can find this website with the one hidden clue on my page then you earned it. its fun to make it a little scavenger hunt. i love solving secrets and mysteries.
hehe.
today has been kind to me. i watched death note with my dad. i got dunkin in the morning. i ordered my favorite curry place on doordash. some of my orders arrived today. i took good pictures and posted them. i watched a fun movie. im feeling good! honestly though im feeling a little strange. ive been struggling with self identity for a long long time but its been really hitting lately. trying to find yourself after narcissistic abuse is hard. i grew up with an abusive mother and healed from that after many years just to have evan absolutely destroy who i am in a very similar but way worse way. i dont know how long it will take for me to forget about it. its not fair how he gets to have the time of his life after taking mine. he gets to thrive while im forced to suffer. you probably wont believe me but i do try to not focus on it. it comes back into my mind against my will. memories will always randomly flood back into my mind at any given time of the day. sometimes i do really want to give up. it feels like the only way the flashbacks will stop is if i shoot myself in the head to silence my thoughts. i think its what i deserve. landon tried to kill himself when we broke up. its only fair if i suffer through that pain myself. nothing really feels real a lot of the time. my days feel 5 minutes long. i want to feel beautiful and untouchable after the rotting feeling evan left me with. you wanna know something horrible he said? he raped me and then a month or two later said "at least i didnt abandon you after fucking" lol. how horrible can a person be? ive had a monster as my best friend for years without knowing who he really was on the inside. i wish i was smarter back then. did he really have to do that to me right after landon shot himself? maybe i did something bad in a past life. maybe it was justice dealt to me for landon. now i just gotta figure out who i am.
i wonder if theres any hope. will it be a golden future that awaits me? what kind of person will i be? what will i look like? am i loved? am i doted on by many? would i even accept any of it to be true?
well .. please wish me luck☆
