It's hard to understand myself. I'm not sure exactly who or what I am. It feels as though I'm an alien placed on Earth in the disguise of a human, and everyone knows I'm not one of them.
There are so many times where I go through different "energy shifts," is what I suppose I'll call it. Is my soul fragile? Is it a thin glass in the hands of a clumsy child? It has been happening more and more.
Currently, I'm a bit more grounded than I was earlier, albeit it's hard to tell. Maybe I'm a collective of different souls fighting to be the one to be in control and live freely as I please. I watch myself as if I'm a spectator in my own body.
Have I always been like this? It's so exhausting. The "me" that decides to control my mind and body eventually leaves and returns the control back to me after a few hours, tops, and the real, true me is left confused and drained of all my energy.
I think it might be a product of what happened last year. Landon's suicide attempt after he suddenly drove 12 hours to my house and then what Evan did to me following that. I wonder if I will ever be the person I was before my world collapsed around me. I tried to warn Gisele about Evan. I gave her solid proof that he is repeating the pattern with her. My argument could not be beaten. So why did she say it was just a misunderstanding? I'm just... misunderstanding him? Huh?
I suffered so much because of that person, and she says I'm misunderstanding him? Ah... ahah... it's kind of funny if I force myself to laugh at it.
I'm forever changed against my will, while he gets to surround himself with women who fully trust and believe his fake stories about me. He gets to repeat all his wrongdoings with a new group of unfortunate souls who will suffer the same fate as me and others. I was so strong-willed and prideful before he took everything from me. It's so strange. I never thought it would happen to me. For some stupid, incomprehensible reason, I thought I would always be immune to that happening to me. People have said before that I didn’t seem like an easy enough target to go after and other strange stuff like that. I was unstoppable. I was just me. Landon shot himself and I met my best friend of many years for the first time as a way to try and forget. I wanted to try and be happy again, to run away from reality and spend time with my friends.
I'm sorry for rambling on. I will make a different entry to explain the last year. It is a lot. I don't want it to overtake this page.
I'm not sure why, but I have a very bad guilty conscience. It feels selfish and self-centered of me to start so many sentences with "I."
Thank you for listening.